I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
