I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
