I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
