Four minutes until I can fart!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
