fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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