I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
