So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
