Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
