Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
