I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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