What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You need a sexual gate keeper
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
