Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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