sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
