I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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