the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
