goodnight i made you a song goodbye
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
