last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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