i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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