I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
