I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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