She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize
