so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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