I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
