She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
