K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
