Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
