My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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