bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize
