I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
