Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
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Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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