I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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