Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
