My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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