I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
