If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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