I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
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My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
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You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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