wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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