i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
