My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
