you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
