My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
