MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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