So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
