He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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