it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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