Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
