yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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