I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
