worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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