john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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