i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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