Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
