is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
