I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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