My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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