Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
