At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
