Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
