Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
