i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
