I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
