I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
