He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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